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sweet nightmares of you

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(paint on paper)

new journal [23 Dec 2003|01:19am]
virulentslave add me i'll add you back

(1 prostitute | paint on paper)

good bye [05 Dec 2003|11:28pm]
so we wither away into a dust filled decay the memory fades as does my pain. though i'm sorry for myself i have hope for you and i wish the best for all your days. goodbye


last entry

(paint on paper)

[23 Nov 2003|12:24am]
All of them are losers! All of them are fake! All of them are demons! All of them just take! All of them are two-faced! All of them
just speak! So wrapped up in their own lies they don't see themselves so weak!


all of them are pathetic! All of them are shit! All of them aren't worthy! They're not worth my spit! All of you are victims! All of them
are thieves! Consume, devour and fuck themselves just like a piece of meat!


You're all fucking losers!

Left you all behind. I took some time to realize, you are not my kind. All of you are gluttons! All of you
are mutts! Flap around in your own BILE, you fat, fucking sluts!

(paint on paper)

heres some info for some of you [22 Nov 2003|06:29pm]
[ mood | amused ]

What are the side effects of Marijuana?

Enhanced cancer risk

Decrease in testosterone levels and lower sperm counts for men

Increase in testosterone levels for women and increased risk of infertility

Diminished or extinguished sexual pleasure

Psychological dependence requiring more of the drug to get the same effect

What are the effects of Marijuana on Men?

Marijuana is the most common drug used by adolescents in America today. Marijuana affect the parts of the brain which controls the sex and growth hormones. In males, marijuana can decrease the testosterone level. Occasional cases of enlarged breasts in male marijuana users are triggered by the chemical impact on the hormone system. Regular marijuana use can also lead to a decrease in sperm count, as well as increases in abnormal and immature sperm. Marijuana is a contributing factor in the rising problem of infertility in males. Young males should know the effects and potential effects of marijuana use on sex and growing process before they decide to smoke marijuana.



What are the effects of Marijuana on Women?

Just as in Males, marijuana effects the female in the part of the brain that controls the hormones, which determines the sequence in the menstrual cycle. Its been said that females who smoked or used marijuana on a regular basis had irregular menstrual cycles, the female hormones were depressed, and the testosterone level was raised. Even though this effect may be reversible, it may take several months of no marijuana use before the menstrual cycles become normal again.

Mothers who smoke marijuana on a regular basis have been reported of having babies with a weak central nervous system. These babies show abnormal reactions to light and sound, exhibit tremors and startles, and have the high-pitched cry associated with drug withdrawal. Occurring at five times the rate of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Fetal Marijuana Syndrome is a growing concern of many doctors. Furthermore, doctors worry that children born to "pot-head" mothers will have learning disabilities, attention deficits and hormonal irregularities as they grow older, even if there are no apparent signs of damage at birth. Pregnant or nursing mothers who smoke marijuana should talk to their doctors immediately.



What are the effects of Marijuana on the brain?

Researchers have found that THC changes the way in which sensory information gets into and is acted on by the hippocampus. This is a component of the brain's limbic system that is crucial for learning, memory, and the integration of sensory experiences with emotions and motivations. Investigations have shown that neurons in the information processing system of the hippocampus and the activity of the nerve fibers are suppressed by THC. In addition, researchers have discovered that learned behaviors, which depend on the hippocampus, also deteriorate. Recent research findings also indicate that long-term use of marijuana produces changes in the brain similar to those seen after long-term use of other major drugs of abuse.




What are the effects of Marijuana on the lungs?

Someone who smokes marijuana regularly may have many of the same respiratory problems that tobacco smokers have. These individuals may have daily cough and phlegm, symptoms of chronic bronchitis, and more frequent chest colds. Continuing to smoke marijuana can lead to abnormal functioning of lung tissue injured or destroyed by marijuana smoke.

Regardless of the THC content, the amount of tar inhaled by marijuana smokers and the level of carbon monoxide absorbed are three to five times greater than among tobacco smokers. This may be due to the marijuana users inhaling more deeply and holding the smoke in the lungs.



What are the effects of Marijuana on heart rate and blood pressure?

Recent findings indicate that smoking marijuana while shooting up cocaine has the potential to cause severe increases in heart rate and blood pressure. In one study, experienced marijuana and cocaine users were given marijuana alone, cocaine alone, and then a combination of both. Each drug alone produced cardiovascular effects; when they were combined, the effects were greater and lasted longer. The heart rate of the subjects in the study increased 29 beats per minute with marijuana alone and 32 beats per minute with cocaine alone. When the drugs were given together, the heart rate increased by 49 beats per minute, and the increased rate persisted for a longer time. The drugs were given with the subjects sitting quietly. In normal circumstances, an individual may smoke marijuana and inject cocaine and then do something physically stressful that may significantly increase risks of overload on the cardiovascular system.



What are the effects of heavy Marijuana use on learning and social behavior?

A study of college students has shown that critical skills related to attention, memory, and learning are impaired among people who use marijuana heavily, even after discontinuing its use for at least 24 hours. Researchers compared 65 "heavy users," who had smoked marijuana a median of 29 of the past 30 days, and 64 "light users," who had smoked a median of 1 of the past 30 days. After a closely monitored 19- to 24-hour period of abstinence from marijuana and other illicit drugs and alcohol, the undergraduates were given several standard tests measuring aspects of attention, memory, and learning. Compared to the light users, heavy marijuana users made more errors and had more difficulty sustaining attention, shifting attention to meet the demands of changes in the environment, and in registering, processing, and using information. The findings suggest that the greater impairment among heavy users is likely due to an alteration of brain activity produced by marijuana.

Longitudinal research on marijuana use among young people below college age indicates those who used have lower achievement than the non-users, more acceptance of deviant behavior, more delinquent behavior and aggression, greater rebelliousness, poorer relationships with parents, and more associations with delinquent and drug-using friends.




What are the effects of Marijuana on pregnant women?

Any drug of abuse can affect a mother's health during pregnancy, and this is a time when she should take special care of herself. Drugs of abuse may interfere with proper nutrition and rest, which can affect good functioning of the immune system. Some studies have found that babies born to mothers who used marijuana during pregnancy were smaller than those born to mothers who did not use the drug. In general, smaller babies are more likely to develop health problems.

A nursing mother who uses marijuana passes some of the THC to the baby in her breast milk. Research indicates that the use of marijuana by a mother during the first month of breast-feeding can impair the infant's motor development (control of muscle movement). Research also shows more anger and more regressive behavior (thumb sucking, temper tantrums) in toddlers whose parents use marijuana than among the toddlers of non-using parents


Alcohol Side Effects

Since alcohol so easily permeates every cell and organ of the body, the physical effects of chronic alcohol abuse are wide-ranging and complex. Large doses of alcohol invade the body's fluids and interfere with metabolism in every cell. Alcohol damages the liver, the central nervous system, the gastrointestinal tract, and the heart. Alcoholics who do not quit drinking decrease life expectancy by 10 to 15 years.

Alcohol also can impair vision, impair sexual function, slow circulation, cause malnutrition, cause water retention (resulting in weight gain and bloating), lead to pancreatitis and skin disorders (such as middle-age acne), dilate blood vessels near the skin causing "brandy nose," weaken the bones and muscles, and decrease immunity.

Persons suffering with alcohol abuse finally grow obsessed with alcohol to the exclusion of almost everything else. They drink despite the pleading of family and the stern advice of doctors. They may begin round-the-clock drinking despite an inability to keep down the first drinks in the morning. Although relationships with family and work may become completely severed, nothing, not even severe health problems, is enough to deter drinking.

The late-stage alcoholic suffers a host of fears, including fear of crowds and public places. Constant remorse and guilt is alleviated with more drinking. On top of mental disturbances, debts, legal problems, and homelessness may complicate his or her life. Late stage addiction is characterized by cirrhosis and severe withdrawal symptoms if alcohol is withheld (shakes, delirium tremens, and convulsions). Without hospitalization or residency in a therapeutic community, late-stage alcoholics usually succumb to insanity and death.

People suffering alcoholism do not have to "hit bottom" and reach the extreme late stages of alcoholism to decide to get help. Many men and women have recognized their alcohol problems before they lost their jobs or families, or began drinking in the morning, suffered DTs, or had to be hospitalized. For them, the labels "early stage," late stage," "problem drinker," or "alcoholic" were less important than the fact that their growing powerlessness over alcohol was causing them pain.

The liver breaks down alcohol in the body and is therefore the chief site of alcohol damage. Liver damage may occur in three irreversible stages.

Fatty Liver. Liver cells are infiltrated with abnormal fatty tissue, enlarging the liver.
Alcoholic Hepatitis. Liver cells swell, become inflamed, and die, causing blockage. (Causes between 10 and 30 percent mortality rate.)
Cirrhosis. Fibrous scar tissue forms in place of healthy cells, obstructing the flow of blood through the liver. Various functions of the liver deteriorate with often fatal results. (Found in 10 percent of alcoholics.)
A diseased liver:

Cannot convert stored glycogen into glucose, thus lowering blood sugar and producing hypoglycemia.
Inefficiently detoxifies the bloodstream and inadequately eliminates drugs, alcohol, and dead red blood cells.
Cannot manufacture bile (for fat digestion), prothrombin (for blood clotting and bruise prevention), and albumin (for maintaining healthy cells).
Alcohol in the liver also alters the production of digestive enzymes, preventing the absorption of fats and proteins and decreasing the absorption of the vitamins A, D, E, and K. The decreased production of enzymes also causes diarrhea.

THE BRAIN AND CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM
Alcohol profoundly disturbs the structure and function of the central nervous system, disrupting the ability to retrieve and consolidate information. Even moderate alcohol consumption affects cognitive abilities, while larger amounts interfere with the oxygen supply to the brain, a possible cause of blackout or temporary amnesia during drunkenness. Alcohol abuse destroys brain cells, producing brain deterioration and atrophy, and whether the organic brain damage and neuropsychological impairment linked to alcohol can be reversed is unknown. Alcohol also alters the brain's production of RNA (a genetic "messenger"), and serotonin, endorphins, and natural opiates whose function may be linked to the addictive process.

A neurological disorder called Wernicke-Korsakoff's syndrome results from vitamin B deficiencies produced by alcoholism and the direct action of alcohol on the brain. Symptoms of this condition include amnesia, loss of short-term memory, disorientation, hallucinations, emotional disturbances, double vision, and loss of muscle control. Other effects include mental disorders such as increased aggression, antisocial behavior, depression, and anxiety.

The Digestive System
Large amounts of alcohol may inflame the mouth, esophagus, and stomach, possibly causing cancer in these locations, especially in drinkers who smoke. Alcohol increases the stomach's digestive enzymes, which can irritate the stomach wall, producing heartburn, nausea, gastritis, and ulcers. The stomach of a chronic drinker loses the ability to adequately move food and expel it into the duodenum, leaving some food always in the stomach, causing sluggish digestion and vomiting. Alcohol may also inflame the small and large intestines.

The Heart
Moderate daily drinking may be good for the heart, but for many the risks outweigh the benefits. Even one binge may produce irregular heartbeats, and alcohol abusers experience increased risk of high blood pressure, heart attacks, heart arrhythmia, and heart disease. Alcohol may cause cardiomyopathy (a disease of the heart muscle). Cessation of drinking aids recovery from this condition.

(paint on paper)

[17 Nov 2003|01:04am]
[ mood | rushed ]

clock tick tick tick, tick tock, tick tock

wicked mind you hold the hour
but my mind it holds the power

clock tick tick tick

where did the time go?
what do i have to show?
watching the time fly (go by)
watching the time fly

clock - it counts my fears

my time goes by so slow
my clock goes by so slow

come closer you can do better
you can do better than me

it counts my fears

(paint on paper)

[15 Nov 2003|01:43am]
[ mood | irritated ]

take my bottle
and break it
pour it all out
i pushed you too far
self absorb that pity
i want to knock you off your horse

Spill
that drink, break that glass. You're drunk as fuck, drive me dead. Break
that last glass.


never judge but to myself. face the mirror.
face yourself. i can't help your insecurity. you've got conflicts to kill.
i know who i am and i believe in what i say. there's nothing but hate for
those who mock what i say and still hide their fucking face. hate for those
who mock me. face yourself.

it's in your fucking head. raise your fist in the air
DRUG FREE

offer me solutions
but I am SOBER now
all that you could ever
but you will not
you will not come down

Never wanted bliss never wanted you
Never needed anyone I've polluted
Everything you feel everything you are
Everything you'll ever be you repulse me
It's always about you always come at me
With shit I can't identify you know it makes me
Lose my fuckin' mind all the fuckin' time
Can't control the violence that's spewing from me
Take It
Can't stop the
Violence I love it

(paint on paper)

[12 Nov 2003|12:48am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

All dressed in black
Eyes of attack
Coming with one hand in pocket
To take from me
Sin in the eyes I see
Sin is nice of me
Nothing left for me
Reality
Forget it

You have messed up
Can't do anything
And I have messed up
Can't do anything
You're just a fuckup
I'm just a fuckup
We're just two fuckups
At least we're fucked
Up together

So sad to see you go
I said to myself you
Know
So sad to see a mind
Disappear through
Time
Lunacy's an argued
Taste
I guess there's no time
To waste
Oh passing times it's a
Passing phase
Reality
Forget it

You have messed up
Can't do anything
And I have messed up
Can't do anything
You're just a fuckup
I'm just a fuckup
We're just two fuckups
At least we're fucked
Up together

We are two fuckups

You have messed up
Can't do anything
And I have messed up
Can't do anything
You're just a fuckup
I'm just a fuckup
We're just two fuckups
At least we're fucked
Up together

Together, together
Together, together...on
Paper

(2 prostitutes | paint on paper)

[05 Nov 2003|12:01am]
should i be offended by these things. i am but, should i be.
oh well life go's on...even after that..even after this.

(paint on paper)

[26 Oct 2003|05:23am]
[ mood | chipper ]

Some thing told me to tell you
Not to tell me what you do
I am what I fuckin' am
Many have tried to change this man
Life's always been an uphill fight
Some things I do you may not like
Life's always bee an uphill fight
Some thing I do you may like


Why do you do the shit that you do?
I'm doing just what I do
No, not what I want to do
But what I've got to do we're through
Life's always been an uphill fight
Something I do you may not like
Life's always been an uphill fight
Something I do you may not like


Some thing told me to tell you
Not to tell me what you do
I am what I fuckin' am
Many have tried to change this man
Life's always been an uphill fight
Some things I do you may not like
Life's always bee an uphill fight
Some thing I do you may like

I'm sick of this shit
I'm sick of this shit
I'm sick of this shit, motherfucker!
I'm sick of this shit
I'm sick of this shit
I'm sick of this shit

I'm out of my mind and you're driving me crazy

Don't give it to me
Don't give it to me
Don't give it to me
Don't give it to me

It's not the same, it's not same
some things are not that same anymore

Something told me to tell you
Don't give it to me
Something told me to tell you
Don't give it to me

(1 prostitute | paint on paper)

[25 Oct 2003|07:50pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

Welcome home to my reality.
So you taste yourself every time?
This your swan song I'll sing for you.
I'll cut the words from your mouth
You'll never speak my name again.
Locked up and sold the fuck out

Don't think you won't see me again.
It'll come back three times
Once in the name of deceit
Twice for your malice
Three times when I take you away.

This is a homicide daydream
I won't waste my hate on you.
All that you've claimed not to be
Has now come to define you.

It'll come back three times
Once in the name of regret
Twice for your envy
Three times when I take you away.

Turn on my heels
And spit apathy on this bridge you have burnt.
Feast on my own blood
I'll drain myself to sleep.
I'll rise from death to knife this beast
These last regrets the ones I keep.

It'll come back three times
Once in the name of deceit
Twice for your malice
Three times when I take you away.

(paint on paper)

[07 Oct 2003|11:51am]
[ mood | blank ]

The tears suspend.
Smiles are not more than (empty love)
Locked doors can keep you alone
Forever paint words (from your lips) in a house that's no longer your home
Take the dreams I know (as my own) and it worsens weekends
Thanks again for my misery. ***And you run with fake friends****
I'm sick of your sad songs and sing alongs.
I kind of like it when things are wrong.
Straight from left end,
They'll shout corrections,
And I'll decline, I'll decline
A source of comfort or some protection
And I'll decline
Smiles are not more than (empty love)
Locked doors can keep you alone
Forever paint words (from your lips) in a house that's no longer your home
Take the dreams I know (as my own) and it worsens weekends
Thanks again for my misery. And you run with fake friends
I'm sick of your sad songs and sing alongs.
I kind of like it when things are wrong.
Straight from left end,
They'll shout corrections,
And I'll decline, I'll decline
A source of comfort or some protection
And I'll decline
In your throat
You will see
Surface relocated
Therapy.
All I taste of today
Is the shame (of) my whore prety
All I know are apologies
Do you feel the shame?

(paint on paper)

[07 Oct 2003|12:02am]
[ mood | morose ]

then i think.
do i really care,
about this or you
i dont even know anymore
i take every little word and slice it up into a line then swallow the bad like a pill and trip out on it. every single girl i've ever dated has been a bitch
so if every girl i have ever been with has been a bitch i guess i'm waiting for you to turn on me
and i have everything i could ever want right in front of my face but just dont see it
i wont let myself
i picture you in two different ways one way is the side i would like you to really be the one i love where your honest, and trust worthey, and loving
but then theres side two who is just like the rest, this crazy lying bitch who spreds her legs to who ever when ever and i dont know how to deal with it
then i see things and put together a whole plot as to who your fucking when your doing it why your there and how your going to lie to me. ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT the dreams have started again
why is this so hard
i thought love was perfect
so is it even love?

but you look at me like an angel and you smile at me when ever you see me
when i see you i feel happy but the pleasure fade as my mind begins to think and i get lost in a sea of thoughts, i cant swim the current is to strong, too many memories.

and i'm so sick of being told to forget the past. NO I WONT FORGET THE PAST.. thats why i am who i am i just need to learn to cope with it not forget it.
i feel sick

(paint on paper)

[06 Oct 2003|10:34pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

A lie blooms as a rose peddle wilts
Wrists bleed to a razors touch
A ripped page of paper
Paper cuts
Deeper words
It’s not that I’m emotionless
I’m just self contorted
A manipulated fiend
Designed breed above the normal species
Beyond comprehended word processes
Nerve end stimulated brain stem's emulating
A divine since of clarity

I know what will become
Still I stay
Still I play
Games
Checker bored check mate
Checker bored check mate
Check mate
Check mate
CHECK MATE
!CHECK MATE!

(1 prostitute | paint on paper)

if i could [26 Sep 2003|12:11pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

If I could leave this all I would be satisfied
If I had a phone to call you I would be content
If I could read your mind everything would be peachy
If I had my dream's I’d be myself

If I couldn’t believe would you leave me?
If I hadn’t stopped you would you be gone
If I couldn’t hear the word trust would you stay still?
If I hadn’t met you would I be fine

If I could sleep at night I’d shut my eyes
If I had a point to this I’d make it known
If I could only see what’s real
Then I would finally fucking know

(paint on paper)

[26 Sep 2003|05:09am]
fuck emo kids

(paint on paper)

[25 Sep 2003|11:25pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

The lies always resurface from a wound
Sores never fully heal
Scabs prove only in one use... too peel
Dying sure hurts but at least I can feel
This is a testimony to all I hold dear



You deny me I defy you all these lies spoken ignite a fire inside burning up trust until there’s no meaning left in the word. No corse of action this time. No measures to secure a grip on the line thinning and spinning dwindling down to a swirling emotion
Set in a mind frame stuck on stop motion cut out the climax straight to the tragedy
This tragedy I call life
Not bothered by insecurity’s or false confidence nor am I depressed in any way
I cant help the fact I am this way but I am this way nothing could change me not even angelic skin or the kiss from some fair princess I desire none of these things in my heart all I’ve ever wanted out of myself was just that myself

(3 prostitutes | paint on paper)

not dead [25 Sep 2003|03:16pm]
and havent killed myself. just doing a lot of things right now. some bullshit . well i'll start comeing back around in about 1 month

later

(2 prostitutes | paint on paper)

fata [19 Sep 2003|12:04am]
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | From autumn to ashes concert in my head ]

WOW!! Tonight’s show was great. ok here's how it went down first we get lost on the way to the show and had to call brians mom to get directions, we make it to saint Andrews an hour late but we only missed one band so I’m not that mad. EVERY TIME I DIE hits the stage 5 min after we walk in and shit went nut's people were doing some things I never seen before. (This was my first hardcore show.) I mean I’ve seen people slam dance before but not like this. after that CAVE IN took on the stage , now I like some of there stuff but a lot of it was to soft for my taste, but I still give them credit for doing there thing, ok and last but not least FROM AUTUMN TO ASHES takes on and blows the roof of the place. They played every song I wanted to hear, at first I didn’t think they were going to play reflections but that was the last song on there list.

I’ve never seen so many crazy females in my life.

Man flow likes money a little too much

Well all in all this night (and day) was the best in a long time.

(1 prostitute | paint on paper)

[16 Sep 2003|08:40pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]
[ music | blood has been shed - the seraphim cries ]

There’s a feeling, one I can’t describe it's like a rope inside my head being pulled two different ways. one minute I think everything is perfect, and that it will all be alright BUT THEN the other side of me is so paranoid that I think everyone is lying to me and I think that we wont work... but the past few day's I’ve sensed a sudden change in my pattern of thinking, all for the better, ya know why live life so worried about the future, when you do that time passes by and we don’t get to experience the simple pleasures.

Can’t wait until Friday.

Thursday I’m going to from autumn to ashes , every time I die, and cave in, should be an alright show

(4 prostitutes | paint on paper)

control [14 Sep 2003|04:43am]
I need about 5 thing's right now 1 lots of *nap time, 2 sleep, 3 to take a piss, 4 get my mind straight on What I really want, 5 to have more self control. but sometime it's hard when it's there and the moment is in that kind of ... and so you think to yourself while it's going on " what am I doing here " but it turns out ok because the light shines and it dawns on you " I already have everything I need " then you bust ass in someone’s face and every little thing that they say is the wrong thing to do is really the right thing to do because what's really important is only a few days away... that’s the point I reached tonight, I know what I want and I’m no longer afraid to hold that feeling closer than before...

if I have to feel sorrow if or when we are not together anymore it will be worth every ounce because of the happiness I’m experiencing and love you bring to my heart . I was so cold until the warmth of your touch brought me back to life. Thank you

(paint on paper)

[14 Sep 2003|12:27am]
[ mood | energetic ]

man plastic bags over your face and running just dont mix. well we tryed to scare them tonight but it dident work out all that well. and that chick almost got my big toe shoved in her ass hole cuz thats what she was talkin out of. man some people in this world you just cant get along with .

about to go to linz's house to watch movies n stuff , fun times. we got some good filmige tonight for the dvd. some funny stuff happened. but i dont want to explain.

well taco bell was fun only because i got to see you there. i miss you so much, and i wish you could be here for some of these jokes goin on. i'll tell you all about it later.

ok i'm leavin now

(4 prostitutes | paint on paper)

stink nuggets [13 Sep 2003|01:03pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]
[ music | evergreed terrace - manifestation of anger ]

ok for real this time i'm quiting smokeing TODAY. none of this "after this pack bull shit" i'm done. i smoked my last cigg at 1:00 pm today. my mom got me a big box of suckers so i'm just gonna carry like 10 of those on me each day. i made it two day's last time i tryed to quit and i dont even know why i started back up. so if i'm a little crankey i'm sorry ahead of time.

other than that i'm just waiting for something to do. brians passed out and i'm bored as hell. woke up at like 11:30 and talked to the woman , looked at stupied pictures online , and right now i'm about to kick my friend in the face and be like " dude wake up " but i wont do that cuz i know how if someone did that to me i'd shank'em

i wonder if evergreen terrace is doin a show anytime soon?

(3 prostitutes | paint on paper)

[13 Sep 2003|02:04am]
ugh fuck the movie poltergeist... i now remember why that movie scared me as a kid. wow i couldent even have my feet hang off the couch. yeah so i'm gonna have some crazy dreams tonight ..

(paint on paper)

[12 Sep 2003|10:51pm]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | das ich - destillat ]

so bowling was fun but my score was just funny... we got SLAYER , coming up and from autumn to ashes sheeit it's gonna be some fun times...

i need more girlfriend time because 10 min is just not a lot of time.. i missed you a lot today.

so this week some time i'm gonna start recording for our band shit.. mabye kick a demo out to the peoples.
i have no idea what our band name is yet but i know that we need more people in it because right now it's just me and brian. BUT FUCK IT I WILL MAKE ALL THE MUSIC AAND SINV IDANUNFVA IFAN IT'S ALWAYS GREY!!!

ya know what else i'm sick of persons only wanting to talk to me or hang out with me when they want to go to some haunted place or because i know about ghosts and shit... DUDE I'M NOT A FUCKING TOURIST MAP SO DONT ASK ME SHIT. ( thanks for tellin baldy bitch i wasent gonna call her )

anyways i dont have much else to say

(1 prostitute | paint on paper)

[11 Sep 2003|01:20pm]
I won't be chained to the earth
I feel cheated, so I cheat myself
I feel defeated, so I defeat myself
Drown my sorrows again and again
Push away and deny this misery
These feelings and instincts remain
I'm struggling to pull myself from my grave.

I just need the will
To suppress the urge
I can't suppress the urge
I've build so many barriers
I'm healing to suffer again
Time has given me no remorse
Spiritually bankrupt
Just give me the grace to oppose this sin
Haunted by the things I've done
Is this guilt and shame the price I pay
I hate myself for this weakness
I won't be chained to the earth.

(1 prostitute | paint on paper)

this kinda sucks [11 Sep 2003|01:33am]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | evergreen terrace - this wonderful hatred ]

Well whatever happens will happen.
I hope that everything stays the way it is now, because to lose you in my life would only set me so far back. You’ve shown me that there is a reason to trust people and I NEVER want to regret anything ever again. If I could go back and take away every spiteful word I’ve spoken to you I would... and i'm sorry i swear if everything work's out i'll never say another word to hurt you... ever.

I always think that people are lying to me. Well most of the time they are but I need to trust those I care for the most

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